Evan, On What's Sexy
May 30, 2005 by editingevan.
Details
June 2005
We at Details decided to ask an upcoming artist-of-sorts to let the public know what he thinks is sexy as summer comes into bloom. From ultra-hip, to the subways of the underground, he lets on why one hyphenated word could bring the style gods to their knees.
Although I am not well versed in my travels abroad, sometimes local style is neglected, and it needs to be broadcasted on the bodies of all skinny, model-esque individuals that won’t go anywhere near a cat walk, but down a dark trip through Hades where they will become henchmen of the fast food world. Here’s what to look for this summer:
- The fem-mullet creates tidal waves of euphoric, sexual fantasies. What was once a man’s world is now obscenely a woman’s world. The fem-mullet should belong to the most vulnerable, desperate housewife.
- Coffee breath is very sexy. Sexy. Sexy. Sexy. The bitter smell of halitosis is a sure-fire hit with people who identify coffee breath with moth balls and old leisure suits. It’s sophistication on a level Starbuck’s can only understand.
- Tight comfort pants, often made of jersey or fleece materials, are the catwalk’s new meow. When squeezed onto the bodies of females there’s not only one butt crack, but two more – one on the side of each thigh.
- Like the 70’s, skinny men are making a come-back and wearing clothes that fit. Fitted clothes are hot, but what’s even hotter is when skinny men take their slim-fit pants, a size too large, and sag them. Most men don’t have an ass to begin with, so they should sag those pants and make a point of it.
- Three words: Unwashed Goodwill Clothes. Obviously, for years, Goodwill has been the way to go for penny pinchers and innovative teenagers, but since someone hit ‘repeat’ on the playlist of the style iPod, just go to Goodwill and put the clothes on. Don’t wash them. Never wash Goodwill clothes. The smell (and the itch that comes with) is part of the experience.
- The style-less lead a bitter existence. Stirrup pants and golf sweaters can only go so far, but when a desperate cry for fashion freedom rings through the air, there is only one place to go to salvage whatever style you have left – middle school. They totally know what’s going on – even more than adults do.
- The movie of style right now is “Napoleon Dynamite.” Really, “The Breakfast Club” may have been 80’s, but “Napoleon” captures the bright-vivid polyester in a way “Top Gun” never could.
- One hyphenated word: Wal-Mart
- Never underestimate the power of sweatpants, especially the Hanes brand with the elastic “bunch” at the bottom.
- Whenever I see someone spill something, I pray it’s so stain-ful that not even Oxy Clean can burst it out. Glob-stains, thick sauces, body fluids, spill it all over – this adds even more ‘wear n’ tear’ to the clothing of your choice, far better than Abercrombie ever could.
- When people bend over, I make sure I see a good two-inch butt crack. Solid butt crack lets the world know that “hell, I don’t care.” Butt cleavage large enough to dispense quarters into is hot, hot, hot. They should get paid for that ass.